Rivalry in Polygamous Marriage: Part II

I am continuing my discussion on how dramatic; rivalry in polygamous marriages can be, especially when rival wives are residing under the same roof. In Part 1 of this series, I underscored serious challenges faced by women who find themselves in these situations and how competitive it can be when it comes to doing everything to establish their worth in their husband’s eyes.  This last half of the series focuses on friendship between/among rival wives; factors responsible for the growing wave of polygamy across Africa and the effects of such marriage on the children.

Friendship in Rivalry

Rivals can never be true friends because they share the same man and even if they try pretend, their friendship gets easily disrupted because they are often vying to win the attention of the same man.

In rare cases, there may exist very ‘slim’ mutual understanding and respect between them. The second wife could be forced to refer to the head-wife as “big sister” in an effort to establish some sorts of harmony between them. It is quickly assumed that perceived sisterhood between rival wives limits the tendency of frequent clash between them.

However, this understanding can be easily eroded because a bigger understanding that they are in competition for their man’s intimacy, attention, his time and his love will always be the bottom line.

In other instances, friendship between/among rivals gets fragmented when so much power is being vested in the head-wife ---making her the sole decision-maker in the home. She decides who gets what, when and how. She has absolute power to decide what the other should cook for the day. Even the husband seeks her permission before spending nights in with the second, third or fourth wives.

An anonymous rival wife recently interviewed by me narrated her experience with her co-head-wife like this: “We are all staying in the same house. The cooking and other household chores are divided between us on a weekly basis….. And so is our husband. But when it is my week to cook, I will have to wait for hours for her to give me the money to go to the market. As a result, I’m always late with my cooking and that causes our husband to beat on me almost every day. 

Also, whenever, it is my turn for our husband to be with me, she will disturb that whole night. Once the man is in my room, every five minutes, she will come knocking on the door to ask him for something; when that gets addressed; she will come again with a completely different request. And that will go on for the entire night. I am tired of this marriage.” 

Polygamy

Instead of affording their wives the priceless blessings and opportunity to enjoy the uniqueness in marriage, women in polygamous marriages are forced to compete for their husband’s affections, his attention and love for the rest of their lives. With the fear of becoming the loser, these women live in deep sense of insecurity. Polygamy actually stands in the way of the pledge binding husbands and wives. It also corrodes the natural alliance and sisterhood of women because they got to endlessly struggle for the same man. 

Early or arranged marriages, as die-hard traditional and cultural practices across Africa, compel women to accept and remain in polygamous marriages with all its agonies that go with it. Where the first wife did not have children, she is forced to accept the man’s desire for a second wife. In some extreme case, she is bound be fear to have her husband marry her younger sister with the hope that there would be less jealousy involved. 

In other cases, it is prestigious to marry more than one wife because, as perceived in many quarters, it is a testimony to the man’s social status. Also, in search of a son, many African men practice polygamy. Sadly, those with only one wife are considered failures or rather believed to be ruled and controlled by the woman.

Effects on Children

Children are always the victims in polygamous marriages. It offers them nothing but, a permanent insecurity, hatred and rivalry. It offers them everlasting insecurity; as they, too, continue to struggle to be daddy’s favorites.

They are always subjected to an environment of rivalry and insecurity, especially when the wives are all living together. An 18-year old girl once told me that she hates her father because he always beats on their mother whenever she gets into in a clash with the other wives. Whether she was right or not, he would beat her. She said she also hates her stepmothers’ children for the way her mom is being treated by her co-wives and she would never consider them her siblings. 

This, in itself, serves as a prime reason to outlaw polygamy in our society. Women’s rights to happiness, security and the exclusivity of marriage must be protected, upheld and adhered to at all time.